THE SELFISHNESS OF OTHERS

When G. K. Chesterton was asked what was wrong with the world, he answered "I am." How many of us would answer this way? Are we, as discussed in The Righteous Mind (Network 114), willing to admit the extent to which our emotional, often subconscious, biases underlie our preferred ideologies, which we will defend and rationalise with righteous indignation? In doing so we may toss around labels that suggest others, with different ideologies are ill-informed, unenlightened, narcissistic or worse. It is because of the need for honest self- and other-evaluation that Kristin Dombek's little book on selfishness and narcissism is of considerable interest. Dombek, a cultural journalist, begins her book with the story of Allison, a millennial, "Generation Me" teenager who was ostensibly so spoiled that she demanded that Peachtree Boulevard, Atlanta, Georgia's busiest thoroughfare be closed down so she could celebrate her sweet 16 birthday. This was regardless of warnings that it would snarl traffic and obstruct emergency access to a hospital. Is narcissism the correct label for such selfish behaviour, and is it a rampant new pathology as countless blogs in the "narcisphere" suggest? Or are we just labelling others inappropriately? What does it mean that "selfie" was declared word of the year, or that the pronoun I is used more than ever before? [How many "I"s can literary critics get to dance on the head of a pin?]

Has the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) given us a correct definition of narcissism when equating it with exaggerated self-importance, fantasies of success and entitlement, specialness, exploitative behaviour, need for admiration, lack of empathy, arrogance etcetera., Since the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was introduced in 1980 the term has been applied to Donald Trump, Bill Clinton (sexually exploitative males) and even to Oprah Winfrey, or anyone ambitious, self-assured or successful who might be a "phallic narcissist." Self-esteem and talking about yourself therefore could be a pathology, causing superficiality, (cultural and /or conversational narcissism), profit motives (corporate narcissism), a sanctimonious sense of piety (spiritual narcissism). Is everyone a narcissist? Are psychologists doing what other medical professionals and drug companies are doing: inventing pathologies everywhere? There are apps to help you avoid narcissists! [I don't have the app and do run across some people I'm tempted to label! But wonder if there is also an app to do away with labels!]

Dombek tells us that the Internet is riddled with pop psychology expositions on narcissism, some fuzzy and nonsensical, and too many allowing us to self-evaluate as victims of "others" who won't commit or love us enough. Since Freud and Havelock Ellis there has been too much erotic emphasis on "self-love." Such thinking has made "self-contentment" appear self-centered, and a self-contained "blissful state of mind" an unwillingness to engage with or be helped by others. [Don't help me while I'm meditating – Please!] In short such Freudian perspectives may have unfairly branded healthy self-esteem as a pathological form of arrested development, and, some critics argue, Freud was "taken in" by his own mythology and certain of his own failed relationships. If you read the Internet and analyse too much you'll find reasons to run away from every relationship: just consider who (Ms. Disgruntlement) might be writing about their own "bad boyfriend" experiences! It's enough, Dombek says, to send a guy into the macho "manosphere" to Google "why is my girlfriend suddenly cold." [He'll likely receive his share of dubious advice and explanations, possibly as just desserts for his own sins]. Philosopher René Girard reminds us that the deceivers are not sharply separated from the deceived, and that we likely diagnose in others our own fears and desires. [Mirror, Mirror!]. Let us remember that Donald Winnicott (excommunicated from Freud's circle) held that narcissism was "a rich source of healthy ego and love."

The plot thickens as the 'Bad Boyfriend' chapter ends with a number of highly successful, but rather nasty, self-confessed narcissist bad boys beginning to grow up a bit and realise they had narcissist mothers. [Blaming the mother / other, facing reality, or perhaps a bit of both]? Studies also show a positive correlation between narcissism and self-esteem survey scores, even though traditionally the relationship should be inverse, as narcissism is supposed to be caused by low self-esteem! Since it could be that narcissists have high self-esteem and are not empty vessels, some suggest removing the supposed disorder (NPD) from the new edition of APA. Here's another fascinating plot thickener. Allison's sweet 16 party was planned, well in advance, by her party-loving father. At first she objected, but went along later, when MTV got involved, and it was their influence that shut down one lane of the busy thoroughfare, for just five minutes. Her ostensibly selfish quotes were in response to silly questions encouraging a perceived narcissism, and she was rather embarrassed afterwards. We learn that Allison, (B.A. in psychology), and her boyfriend independently started a foundation to give impoverished kids "the tools they need to succeed." They see class, money and privilege as more divisive than race (she is from a well-to-do black family). When Dombek asked Allison about "Me Generation" narcissism her reply was that while all the blogging and selfies may 'appear' narcissistic, she feels part of a "caring generation" genuinely interested in other people, others she's never met, people whose experience she can learn from. "It's really hard to find someone who no one knows."

Alice Miller wrote that "loss or absence of love … happened in the past." You can't change that. Dombek says "you can rage against your dependency, the absolute need for the other that can never be satiated." The others, however, are the centres of their universes, places always empty of you. You can study it and theorise it, but if self-other differences were not so "love would never go on very long." In a clever twist Dombek ends with a parody of the APA's definition of NPD by proposing a new entry entitled "Narciphopbia." The nine symptoms include: preoccupation with fear that others are self-serving, manipulative or unreal, belief that one is especially unselfish and can only be understood by others who are equally unselfish, exaggerated sense of ability to read other people's motives, quick to judge others, and fear that world will end due to selfishness of others.

Dombek has done her homework, both online and in the traditional academic literature. She reminds us of the original Narcissus story. A prophet told Liriope, a rape victim, and the mother of Narcissus, that her son, a very pretty child, would only live long if he never came to know himself. This original story has been distorted by latter-day interpretations of narcissism. When seeing his reflection in a pool Narcissus does not fall in love with himself: he sees, or thinks he sees another person who is a potentially perfect companion, with many of his desirable, mirror-mirror attributes. But when he reaches for the other the image ripples, distorts and disappears leaving him distraught and alone. The tragedy Ovid gives us is that the lack of affection and companionship is not to be blamed on others. It reflects our own emptiness. Narcissus is not vain. He is a victim, of not knowing himself. He might have benefited from Kierkegaard's advice "don't forget to love yourself." It seems he was that lonely person that "no one knows." Had he been "on" Facebook, he might have had more friends from the caring generation.